365

Dear Mama,

It's been 365 days since you left this earth. How can that be? It feels like yesterday. This year without you, the longest ever without you, has hands-down been the hardest time of my life. It still doesn't feel real to me. I look at pictures of you and still deny the truth. There are so many emotions I have felt since you passed...sadness, obviously. Anger...why someone SO undeserving like you had to suffer, had to fight so hard and still end up losing, to be taken away too early. Why?! Jealousy...as a mom I'm so jealous of others who get to share many years to come with their mother as their child's grandmother. It's not fair. And I feel horribly guilty for feeling that way. Peyton got 3.5 years. Olivia got none. They will be forever short-changed of such a great and perfect grandma. I hope Peyton remembers all his memories he had with you so he can share with his sister. Relief...that you aren't suffering anymore. It was so hard watching you wither away. You were amazingly strong, though...you never complained. Anxiety...I don't like the unfamiliarness of you gone, I'm still not used to it and it makes me feel crazy. Your house is empty without you, but still full of you, your smell. Our family struggles to function without you, it's a huge gaping hole...something horribly missing that we all cannot deny. You were our glue that held us all together. Tension is high and we're fighting hard to stay bonded...and to be there for Dad. You can't even imagine how much he misses you.

Everyday is a struggle for me and the tears come fast, easy, and often. I still get the urge to call you-after work just to talk about nothing, wanting to tell you about my day, knowing without a doubt that you care and want to know, to tell you about each and every milestone the kids reach. This year Peyton learned to ride his bike with no training wheels and just a few weeks ago, he tied his shoes all by himself. He would have been so proud to show you mom. He's such a great big brother. He is still so young and doesn't fully grasp that you're gone...permanently. Just a couple weeks ago, we were praying before bed, and he said he wanted to pray for you and for great-grandma in heaven, like he often does. Then he said to me "Mommy, I want Grandma to come home now" and "Why did she have to be sick?" I laid there in his bed with him, holding him as tears ran down my cheeks, struggling for the words to come. He has been a huge comfort for me. I love that kid and I know you did so much too.

I didn't realize how much I relied on you for parenting/newborn advice until Olivia was born. Those first few months with my new baby was torture without you. You would love Olivia mama, she sure is something special. Shes gorgeous and has some of your mannerisms. This is by far the thing that tears me apart the most. It absolutely kills me that she will never know you. I will one day tell her all about you...memories, pictures, everything. I can't wait for that, as hard as it may be.

Telling you that I miss you is an understatement. I lost a part of me when you passed. No one can ever take that place in my heart. You were so much a part of my daily routine and life. You...The only one 100% interested in every tidbit of my day. Unconditional love only a mom, only YOU could give. What am I supposed to do when I want to sit and drink coffee and sit in the sun at your house in the mornings? Or our morning shopping trips, laughing, making fun of each other, baking cookies, and experimenting with new recipes before I have to work? I can still replay your laugh in my head, your same voicemail you would leave when I missed your call, you singing happy birthday to me on the phone every year. I hope that never leaves my brain.

I always knew you were a patient and kind person but now I can honestly say I've never, ever met anyone as selfless as you. Always kind, always looked out for others, never raised your voice, and so full of love. The world needs more people like you.

I hope, no, I know you are loving paradise and I know you're watching over us. I swear I feel you near at times. Funny and weird thing is that I have seen an abundant amount of butterflies in the past year. I see them constantly when I'm running, frolicking with me as I jog. I opened the back door one afternoon and one flied right in my face trying to fly into the house!! There is always one fluttering around me and the kids while outside playing. It could be that I just never noticed them before, but I like to think that it's you checking up on us....watching Peyton grow up so fast and getting to know the granddaughter you never got to hold. Mom, I'm trying really hard to move on with life without you. I won't ever forget what a great mama you were to all 5 of us kids, and an irreplaceable grandmother to all 14 of your grandchildren. I will strive to be the patient, loving, protective, and wonderful mother to my kids as well. You're a tough act to follow...

I love you mom, forever and always and I will never stop missing you.

Love,
Your Nicoley-oley-olio